About this Bio

This document is meant to be read by my students, clients, and colleagues. The idea of making this came during a time when several leaders in my community were being called out and canceled. I’ve had my own frustration and resentment towards leaders. It seems that there is always this thing of students projecting their shit onto leaders based on their trauma with men, parents, figures of authority, etc. There’s usually truth in the shit being called out in leaders and truth that it’s projections of the individual. And I’ve just wanted my leaders and mentors to own their shit and show what they are doing to keep themselves accountable. In my ideal world, every leader (community leaders, mentors, medicine people, political leaders) would present a bio like this available to the public. Most people want to hide and deny these parts, but I see it as powerful, trusting, and human. I proposed that my mentors write a document like this. Then I wondered why only the ones being called out need to write one of these. All leaders should write one of these. Me first. So here is my best attempt at thoroughly owning my shadows, trauma, and privilege. Plus a bit about what I’m doing to hold myself accountable to healing and growing in these areas. 

This is the bio that I’d like to see from any leader/teacher/mentor that I’m letting influence my growth and transformation journey. Are you self aware? Do you own your shit? Is your mirror clean?

The truth is that we’re all human and imperfect. Why should I hide my shadows? They just give more opportunity for people to know me deeper. 

Thank you to my past partner and friend, Stevie Chernish for helping me write this in an honest, thorough, and useful way.

Here are some things you should know about me before you decide to learn from or be led by me… so you know what you’re getting yourself in to …

My Shadows

As a part of my 12-steps work, I did a thorough inventory of all the relationships in my life that I have held resentment, hurt someone, or had been out of integrity in some way. After looking for what I had to own this is a list of character defects, coping mechanisms and survival strategies I am working on letting go of.

Leaky sexual energy with women

This is a big messy confusing important one. I am still not fully clear about it, but here’s what I’ve understood so far…

This part of me is a young boy with low self esteem that seeks to numb his rage, depression, loneliness, anxiety, and grief through suckling from the tit of women’s mother energy.

I have used power dynamics to receive desire/attraction from women. My past three partners/lovers all started feeling attracted to me after witnessing me in a power dynamic as a teacher, leader or facilitator.

  • Doing or saying impressive things solely for the purpose of receiving desire/attraction from women.

  • I’ll “transparently” name my attraction with women as a show of integrity, but underneath it’s actually a strategy to stir up juicy feelings between us.

  • I’ve gone to contact improv seeking to dance with attractive women with erotically charged energy.

  • While having difficult times in partnership, I have spent one-on-one time with attractive female friends cuddling, massaging, talking about our feelings for each other. Even though this behaviour was technically within the agreements of my partnership, looking back, I was avoiding the pain/discomfort of challenges coming up in my partnership. I was seeking an exchange of sexual energy with “friends” that was easier, as the cost of hurting my partner, causing tension in the relationship between her and her friend (that I’m getting intimate with), and fracturing my relationship with my partner.

Since leaky sexual energy is such a complicated and sneaky thing, it’s been hard to narrow down the actual behaviors to commit to changing. Here’s what I’ve been most clear about:

Whenever there is sexual/erotic/romantic energy showing up for me in a relationship, I will…

  • Do my best to check-in in a honest and high integrity way with that person and and any other people that our connection impacts.

  • Embed integral men in my process as I navigate shifting energies with people in my life. For example, with current female relationships, I am constantly talking about it with my men’s group, brothers, therapist, and 12-steps sponsor to hold me accountable to high integrity behavior and decisions.

  • Truly take the slow time to feel into the experience of people that my behaviour might be hurting.

Avoided feeling into the experience of people I’ve hurt

Needy with clients/students/participants

With coaching clients, I have embodied neediness for them to find my sessions useful. I need them to be improving and getting better, to protect my insecure self from feeling like a failure, unworthy, or useless. This part has got in the way of me showing up with presence, compassion, and a clean mirror.

Seeking power, influence and people to like me

If I’m honest with myself, a core motivation behind the events that I lead and work that I put out in the world is because it will boost my reputation, power, and influence. When I lead or facilitate things, I shine. People feel more attracted to me and give me more attention.

My low self-esteem and longing for external validation was a core reason that I became president of the business students’ association in business school, lead authentic relating events,

Self-centered attitude looking for what I can take take take

Most of my life, I have shown up in my relationships with a selfish/self-centered attitude looking for what I can take and how I can use others for my own personal gain.

I have been called out several times by housemates, friends, partners for inconsiderate behavior - taking actions that negatively impacted them without first checking in with them. When I want something, I can bulldoze everything and everyone on my path to that self serving thing.

In partnership, I have shown up as a needy little boy wanting to suckle from the tit of her mother energy. I have used intimacy with lovers/partners as a means to sooth my dis-ease, depression, loneliness, and grief.

I am working to embody an attitude that seeks ways to feed, give, and be of service to my relationships - the true way to actually feed myself, grow, and expand outside of my own skin.

Procrastination and avoidance

Withholding, people pleasing, fawning (especially with authorities)

I have a tendancy to

Highly judgemental and critical of myself and others

I have struggled my whole life to feel genuine compassion and love for myself. And so I also have a hard time feeling compassion and love for others. When not in check, this is problematic when I am in a power dynamic as a facilitator or coach to be extra judgemental or critical.

There is a young part of me that has impossibly high expectations of myself and others. This has shown up through me being critical of my friends for not digging into their personal development work, not dreaming bigger, not going after their soul mission, not facing the fire of their fears, etc.

At the root of it is my low self esteem and a survival strategy to protect myself from ever having to feel rejection, hurt, or failure. This part really just longs for love, compassion, and belonging.

Jealousy, comparison, and competition with other men

I am a jealous man. When I enter a room, I am aware of the most attractive woman and the most attractive man. I am tracking cues for whether or not she is attracted to me and I feel threatened by other men that I judge to be more cool, funny, expressive, playful, confident, or powerful.

And more that I am still discovering...

My Trauma

Though I scored a 0/10 on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) Quiz, I definitely have trauma.

I grew up in what Dr. Gabor Mate calls a “happy childhood”. I grew up in a financially well off family, didn’t have any “big-T” trauma, my parents loved me, I was never sexually abused, I was never physically hit that hard, I played lots or sports, and went on warm vacations in the winter. My belief that I had a “happy childhood” is actually a coping mechanism to by-pass the pain of acknowledging that my childhood was filled with depression, loneliness, shame, and anxiety.

The truth is that I grew up with parents that loved me but were so disconnected to their own selves that they did not have the capacity to emotionally attune with me and created an environment that shamed/repressed feelings of anger, sexual feelings, joy, or excitement. The air of my home was emotionally flat and depressed. We did not ever talk about the elephant in the room, avoiding conflict at all costs.

My father was highly stressed from working with a boss for most of his career that was nicknamed “satan”. He would come home around 4pm each day and we (my brother, mom, and I) would all be tracking his mood for how the evening is going to go. My nervous system was immediately on high alert, anxious, worried. If he came home and I was chilling watching TV or playing video games and had not cleaned the dishes, done my chores, or my homework I would get in trouble. He would take out his anger/stress/grief on my brother and I by yelling at us. My mother would tell him “that’s enough! He’s heard you already.” But he would just keep going. My normal reaction was to freeze, fawn, and people please. But sometimes my rage would boil up and I’d snap back at him which would just result in him escalating in anger, sometimes flicking me on the head or spanking us. I would run away to my room.

I survived my childhood through avoiding the present moment and feeling my feelings by any means necessary - masterbating to porn three or more times a day while building a mountain of kleenex next to my bed, eating sugar, binge eating snacks, over eating, watching movies and TV, playing video games to dissociate from my body, and hyper activity with sports. I also survived through constant withholding, people pleasing, fawning, checking out, dissociating, and freezing.

My Privilege

My privilege has a huge impact on my blindspots. I am the power side of almost every part of this Wheel of Power/Privilege: 

  • White

  • Cis-man

  • Heterosexual

  • Middle aged

  • Able bodied

  • University education

  • Settler

  • Citizen of Canada

  • High family income

  • English is my first (and only) language 

  • Raised ChristianI scored a 0/10 on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) Quiz.

My Accountability

So the next question becomes, so what are you doing about all of this? How are you accountable to doing your personal work? How are you navigating your shadows including your leaky sexual energy as a leader? Who is holding you accountable?

No Sexual/Romantic Advancement Rule

I commit to not advancing sexually or romantically with students or participants of my work (including anyone in which there is a clear leadership based power dynamic over) for at least six months after our encounter, plus receiving a blessing to do so from at least three mentors/guides including my therapist, a male mentor at least 20 years older than me, and a female mentor at least 20 years older than me. At the beginning of my longer workshops, I name this commitment and have my co-leaders/facilitators at least commit to a 3-month no advancing boundary. I acknowledge the word “advancing” can be a grey area and to help navigate the grey areas I am committed to making this a regular topic in my therapy sessions, sponsor meetings, mentor talks, and in my men’s group. As another rule, if I notice this grey area energy arising with someone in relationship, my first action will be to talk to male mentors in my life about it to get clear on what the integral path is.

Therapy

I go to regular therapy at minimum once per month. My therapist is a practitioner of compassionate inquiry and internal family systems. I’ve been seeing her since June 2022.

12-Steps Recovery 2.0

I completed a 12-steps recovery journey with Recovery 2.0 in from February 2023 until November 2023 focusing on my additions related to emotional eating, sugar, sex/orgasming, co-dependancy, people pleasing, selfish behaviour, procrastination, obsessive working, and basically every way I avoid the being in the present moment and feeling my feelings. I met with a sponsor every week for 1.5 hours to check in on my recovery progress and reveal the raw secrets of my entire life to.

Men’s Group

I participate in an ARKA Brotherhood men’s group that meets for 2.5-hours per week.